Fear and Doubt: How I am learning to move past it

I remember when I was in elementary school and we would all play on the playground, run around and play tag with my childhood friends and other classmates. One day in particular that I remember was when we were playing "Red Rover" and I had broken away from the game to go talk to one of my friends. A boy who was known as one of the classic "bullies" in our grade came over to me and my friend and started teasing us and calling us names. He was calling my friend "skinny", a "twig", etc. Then this boy who I really never liked all throughout grade school came up to me and started to call me "fat". Before he could even finish the word I punched him right in the throat. He stumbled back in shock that I had actually gotten to the point of being physical with him. I could tell that this was not going to end well.  After he realized that yes a girl had gotten him right in the throat and hard he hit me right in the stomach. I remember having that complete feeling of seeing stars and having the wind knocked out of you and not being able to breathe. I don't remember falling to the ground but as I came to I had other kids, teachers and other adults around me.

 After they found the little boy that had been bullying me they took both of us to the Principal and we had to sit down and talk to him about our choices. I remember being mad at myself for resorting to becoming physical with someone else but the minute the boy started sputtering the word "fat" I saw red. It was something that came up not only early on in my childhood but later on in my teen years. Dating was hard, and I always seemed to be the girl that boys just saw as a "friend". I didn't want to be looked at as lazy, fat or anything that was associated with being a bigger person. Sometimes I look back at how much time I spent on wanting boys, groups of people and others to like me and just wish I could have shaken my 12-17 year old self. I learned a lot of the things from my childhood and young adult years though. I have now learned that because I was pretty independent and strong willed  growing up that I have become this independent and tenacious adult later in life.

 I guess the point of telling this story is how I have always had a lot of fear and doubt come up in my life. I feared growing up that I would never find someone that would love me for me. I feared I would always be that "bigger" friend that no one would really want to hang out with. Hell, I even feared being alone for the rest of my life. Obviously this is not what happened at all! I found my wonderful friend and husband Ben when I was 18 years old. He has always accepted me for me at any shape or size. He has also always been the one that has understood me through my fear and doubt. He at times can talk me off a ledge that seems like its 5,000 feet high. I am thankful not only for the husband he is to me but also the sturdy, strong and determined man he is that makes me want to continue to become better and grow more and grow more together in our friendship and our marriage.

 Fear and doubt even with the most support, love and people in your life can at times not feel like enough. Over the past year I have written out, talked about, yelled about, cried and vented my fear and doubt to myself, my coaches, friends and family. Some will understand and others will not. Honestly this has been the best medicine and therapy I could ever have. To speak out and speak up about these things has helped me grow in my fitness journey, it has helped me finally stand up for myself in situations and be 110 % who I truly am. I will admit I let fear and doubt put me back into a place I didn't want to be almost a year ago. I helped my fear and doubt get masked by food and excuses. In January of 2015 I didn't know if there was a way of reversing what I had started. But I wanted to change before I got too deep into my fears and my denial. I am so thankful I made that choice almost a year ago.

 Fear and the doubt of losing people because they wouldn't like how I felt or agreed with my own thoughts or ideas has been another rough thing I have gone through. I have lost some friendships and people in my life because I finally spoke out about how I felt and unfortunately some friendships that had felt incredibly strong crumbled. My fear and doubt crept up during these times for me. I was broken, and felt defeated. But then I realized that sometimes these are just the things we need to go through to become better. Then realizing how many amazing people I have in my life and are still here for a reason and support me even with all my imperfections has been an awakening experience and has turned my thoughts and outlook around.


 I cannot allow fear and doubt to be my best friend. I have chosen to not let my fears or my doubts define me any longer. I will not let food, my relationships with others or any other non beneficial items in life bring me down. This past year I have really realized what motivates me, what moves me and who I really am. I am a fearless, motivated and positive person. I want to continue to strive to be the best form of myself. Life lessons are sometimes a rocky road up but I can't say I have any regrets about the choices I have made.

 Everything in my life finally has the feeling and acknowledgement of success and wholeness once more. Even though I may have been the "bigger" girl growing up that girl who I once was in now a strong, independent, weight-lifting, jujitsu, running and ass kicking type of chick! Living life with purpose and moving forward is what I strive for daily. So you want to know how I have moved past fear and doubt? I decided to move through it, grow with it and take it head on over the past year. Sure, this hasn't been a perfect, squeaky clean or easy thing to do. But I am SO thankful I made that shift, made that change and found that fear and doubt could no longer be a part of my life and daily routine any longer.

Here's to continuing to courageously face fear and doubt head on and to becoming my true authentic self!