Sometimes life has a way of standing right before your eyes in a matter of minutes.
There have been moments in my life and for the past few months that I have tried to deny that I needed to get back on the right track and moments when I told myself in my mind reassuringly that "meh, it will be okay" and forgetting the success and goals that I had set for myself many years ago. I had hoped to keep being this active, healthy person and just in a matter of a few years I let that go, brushed it under the rug and had my social life and other people and non important things become more become more of a focus than taking care of me.
When I started this new journey for progress and passion 5 months ago I was a bit lost. I had lost all this weight but now it had crept back up, I had done all these amazing things but who had I done it for? The first time around I thought I know what I had done it for but through some soul searching and realizations I have come to this conclusion: I unfortunately did not do it for myself. I didn't do it to be happy with me, and to be respectful of my body, my mind and my passion for life. I did it so I wouldn't be called "fat" anymore. I did it to prove to certain people/groups that I wasn't lazy and that I wanted to do something with my life. And yes I did put a lot of hard work , determination and perseverance into the time I spent losing all the weight but I often go back and ask myself "did I do it for the right reasons?" I'm not so sure. I was happy but only for a short time until all my insecurities started creeping back up about not feeling good enough, not being skinny enough, and not being what everyone else wanted me to be.
"What everyone else wanted me to be."
This thought then makes me realize that I couldn't have possibly done it for the right reasons in the first place. Maybe I would have kept the weight off longer if I would have just done it for ME in the first place.
Now fast forward five months into this new journey. I am down almost 20 lbs. but I'm not comparing this journey to the one before. I have taken on a whole new emotional, physical, creative and mental awareness for myself that now I am not just going through the motions anymore. I am not traveling along this journey for anyone else. I am now doing it for myself. I am finally becoming the best version of me. I want to feel every part of my being, see every point and working towards progress may not be as fast, the weight might not drop as quick as before but now I am feeding my body with passion, with wholeness and with the freedom to be OKAY with me. I am not letting my weight define me or DEFINE my progress. I am taking every experience in on this journey and this time around it is so much more than just "losing weight". What I forgot to understand the first time around and with losing a major amount of weight was that there needed to be more "a-ha" moments or moments when I should have said "damn! I'm proud of myself!" I went through the motions before and did see the good in these things but this time I have so much more that I am aware of and living for!
A great example of something that has truly changed for myself this time around was when I went back to a running route with an amazing group of friends from my local gym Sweat360. Many of these people on this particular night that were running are getting ready for a two day racing event that I had previously done two years ago called Epic Relay. We went up to David Hill area near Forest Grove, started out in a neighborhood then went on a long hilly, flat and everything in between gravel and pavement route that at about round trip was a good 5 miles. It had been a few years since I had ran this route and with it being at night I definitely had a few fears. One was that I was SO afraid of getting left behind. Yes there are some amazing athletes and people that go to this gym with me that run on a constant and sometimes daily basis and my fear was that I was not fast enough and wouldn't be able to keep up. My second fear was of the hills and of being in the holy f'in darkest mutha truckin' gravel road where my mind wanders, I become alone with my thoughts and an even bigger fear was that a damn bear, crazy dog or some other scary animal or creature would pop out at me. These were all things that had ran through my mind as I got ready to start and oh boy did I have nervous tummy! (Nervous tummy I will just say is something that you DO NOT want if any of you know what I'm talking about!)
When I started out running up an immediate hill I was absolutely terrified but rather than turning back around and running to the car to sit there and shake in utter fear (yes I am being extremely dramatic here!) I chose to just do it. My thoughts went to , " you have done this before, really what is there to be scared of?" But as people got farther and farther ahead of me my number one fear of being left behind became somewhat apparent and my fear of being alone with my thoughts started to happen very quickly. I was literally and physically alone with my thoughts, in the dark and trying to chug up the first damn hill that I swear lasted forever! I started rambling in my brain thoughts of "you're not going fast enough", "you're going slow because you're too big", and the biggest one that I hate to admit was the thought of "I don't know if I can do this". But as I continued my brain started to slow down, I started to stop panicking and I continued.
Another point where I had to slow down and just BREATHE was coming back up the crazy hill at the half way point that I had just ran down. This hill is what I like to call "the hill from hell". Anyone who is reading this and has ran this route and knows what hill this is will know what I am talking about. It is the hill that is a breeze going down but is a crazy, hot, hard breathing mess going back up. At this point in my run my knees were burning, I was sweaty, my headlamp was getting in the way and I just didn't want to have to run off to the side with another car coming behind me or towards me. But I SLOWED down, took a breath and started back up the hill. It was apparent to me once I started that I needed to take a moment to walk. I very badly wanted to be done with this point in my running but I also wanted to be able to finish this route without feeling like I might pass out or do any damage to my body. The minute I started walking for whatever reason I let the negative thoughts creep back to me. I heard and felt my mind say "you're slow, why are you doing this", "you wont make it back", and "I hope no ones annoyed with having to wait for my slow self" and this just made the hill so much harder.
I did start to panic and I started to freak out a little. What the hell did I think I was doing?! Who ever thought this was a fun time?!, and so on. All of these thoughts were definitely not helping me at this point and I did start to hyperventilate a little. This wasn't helping me so I stopped for a moment, regrouped myself in the starry and dark of the night. For someone who has been extremely positive so far along this journey I immediately resorted back into the fearful, doubtful old self. I didn't think I could do it, I didn't think I was going to make it but then at one point I saw a light ahead. It was Robert, one of Sweat360's gym owners and he was waiting for me at the top of the hill on his bike telling me "Emily, you're almost over this hill, we have some flat miles ahead" and " you've got this, keep with that pace". At that point I honestly started to choke up. Call it ridiculous, call it me just being emotional but that was my sign and my awareness of all my possibilities started flood back. As silly or cheesy as it may sound (and I am sure Rob will read this so hope you take a moment for this appreciation and gratitude) he was the sign that I needed. Yes, I was doing this and I was doing it at my pace. I could have easily been not doing this night run, could have been doing something that was not so healthy, not so mind clearing to myself on this dark Friday. But instead I was getting up that hill and I would be finishing this.
Rob was awesome enough to go along with me head up a little ways ahead and then I would pass him and he would follow me up. My mind instantly got back on track of "yea, I'm doing this, this is going to be okay" and more positive thoughts once I got back on the right track mentally. I finished my night run a little after 11pm that night and you know what was even more bitter sweet when I finished? I had ALL my Sweat360 family waiting for me, cheering me on at the end of this run. It didn't matter that I had finished last, or that I took longer than everyone else. They were all there and giving me high fives at the end of my long grueling and challenging run.
This right there on this night late and way past my bedtime was just what I needed to realize I am right where I need to be on my journey. I have SO many people that support me and as a very wise and amazing woman said to me the next day after this run still sticks out clearly in my mind. She told me "Em we love you so much and you never give up. Remember that." This is SO true. I am not giving up on this journey and I am no longer hiding behind my fears and losing myself in being scared, emotional or anxious any longer. I am ready to be my true self and I would say that this run last Friday was just one of many "a-ha" moments for me. I hope and know I will have many more.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart to many and many people who have changed my mind, changed my path and shown me so much love and encouragement these past few months. I can't even put in words how much I appreciate the love and community. And thank you for reading this lengthy blog but I hope you take away something from it. Knowing your worth and to feel encouraged and loved by so many is something I wish for anyone and everyone!
